Aloha, Mom

I just wanted to let you know that I have not been posting to this blog because my mother was in the Intensive Care Unit, post-surgery, in California, and I was at her bedside.

In that pressure cooker of “What if?’, ‘Maybe’, and end-of-life decisions, my mind was getting well ahead of itself and I was stressing out. When the doctor left the room after he asked for permission to turn off the machines if necessary, my mother’s dear friend, Fran, gave me a very good piece of advice. She said, “Hold your hands straight out in front of you. Now put them out to your sides. That space is all the more you can try to control, and all the more you should worry about. No more.”

This was a very good visual, and something I think I will probably carry with me for the rest of my life. We have all been taught that our reach should exceed our grasp, but in a case like this, that would have just made me crazy.

So I was waving my hands around a lot, and telling myself to take a deep breath and not to try to control the outcome.

Sadly, the outcome is that my mom passed away eight days ago.

After watching her struggle in the ICU, and knowing that she would probably never be the same again, I was able to let go of this vivacious woman who loved life. I told myself how much she would have hated a convalescent home if I could no longer care for her. I told myself that the additional surgeries the doctor was recommending would have just angered her.

So I let go. I said goodbye, and her heart stopped.

I have talked to other people who’ve lost both their parents, and they said that even as an adult, you feel like an orphan. I tried to understand that at the time, but you never understand it until you go through it yourself. Just like countless other things in life.

I am the Executor of the estate and there is much to do…so I’ll be back here after the new year.

During this busy season, please give your loved ones a hug, look them in the eye, and tell them how much they mean to you.

Happy Holidays to all of you!

Aloha, Jamaica